I was Afraid I Would Never Find Love

Before I met my husband I was single most of the time. Romantic relationships were few and far between and they never lasted very long. I’d meet someone that I thought I really liked and we’d date for a couple months or a couple weeks or mostly only once before deciding to go our separate ways.

I never understood why this was. I often thought about it at night as I was falling asleep. I would wonder why I couldn’t seem to find the right person for me. I would wonder if I destined to be single. Sometimes I’d even cry at night because I was afraid that I would be alone forever.

I was always the third wheel–the only single person invited out for the night with my friends and their boyfriends. Often I was subject to embarrassing blind dates. Have you ever had someone say something like “I know someone who would be perfect for you” and then when you met that person-that-would-perfect-for-you you found yourself wondering what your friend actually thinks of you? Sometimes these blind dates would make me wonder if my friends really knew me at all.

Then I reached my thirties and all of my friends were getting married. I went to wedding after wedding and never once caught the bouquet. I wasn’t one of those people who thought, I love being single. I was always longing for something else. That was my habit in just about every aspect of my life back then. It was true for this part of it also. I wanted to get married and have children and I had a very concise idea about what that would look like.

In my mind I had built a future life that didn’t exist. My husband would be taller than me, but not too tall. He’d have the same or more education than I had. He would share my religious beliefs and my cultural and racial background. He would be funny and charming and get along well with my parents. He’d have a good steady job. He wouldn’t have any kids or ex-wives to worry about. We would have one child–a girl.

I knew exactly what I was looking for. The funny thing is that when I was willing to set all of these requirements aside and give someone who didn’t check all of my boxes a chance that was when I found the person who was right for me. I’ve been happily married for nearly ten years to a man who was not what I was looking for at all. We don’t come from the same cultural and racial background. In the beginning our different beliefs were a really struggle. He has an ex-wife and a son from his previous marriage with Asperger’s Syndrome. While he is funny and charming and incredibly kind, he never went to college works fulltime as a freelance musician.

I went out with him originally on a whim. I thought nothing would come of it because he wasn’t my type. I was wrong about that. I’m glad I was wrong. I’m glad I took a chance on someone different.

It is important to have an idea about what you want your life to be like in the future. We make vision boards and try to visualize our ideal lives. [Tweet “Sometimes we work out the specifics about what we think we want and we’re wrong.”] Sometimes  that thing, that life that you’ve convinced yourself that you want so badly won’t come to you because you know deep down in the hidden part of yourself it isn’t right. Or you might get it and realize that it was all wrong. It wasn’t what you should’ve have been putting all of your effort into at all.

Instead of being so specific about what you want from the beginning, maybe you should think of how you want to feel first. The relationship that you want or that house you want to buy or that job you long for … how would they make you feel when you had them? What we really want is a feeling … the feeling of love … the feeling of freedom … the feeling of contribution …

We want our souls to be filled up, but there are lots of ways that can happen, if we are open to the possibilities.

I wanted to spend my days with my best friend. I wanted to have challenging conversations about issues that mattered. I wanted to have someone on my side. I wanted to trust someone enough to be myself. I wanted to know that no matter what I said or did that in the end I’d still be loved. I found all of that, but first I had to let go of all of the preconceived ideas I had about how this could happen … with whom this would happen.

All of the other specifics I’d attached to falling in love were unimportant. They were actually stopping me from finding what I really wanted.

How do you want to feel? What is the feeling you’re looking for in the future? When you think of the relationships you want or the job you want first ask yourself how you want to feel. Are you looking for freedom? Are you looking for love? Do you long for security? Do you want to feel accomplished? Do you want to feel creative? Do you want adventure? Do you crave connection? What are you trying to feel? Once you know how you want to feel you can start looking for all of the different ways you can bring more of that feeling into your life.