We do so much to protect our hearts. Sometimes the things we do end up hurting us more than protecting us though.
You’re short with a romantic partner because you’re afraid of being hurt. You botch a job interview because you think they won’t think you’re right for the job anyway. You are closed off from friends because you’re afraid of being rejected.
Everything we do serves a purpose, even the negative things. Your subconscious mind wants to protect you, keep you safe and comfortable. Sometimes the wires get crossed though and what it thinks will help really hurts.
You find yourself looking back on what you’ve done and beating yourself up over it. I used to do that all the time. I’d put off finishing an essay that was quite important until the last minute and then when I finally did sit down to work on it I would beat myself up about my procrastination.
“I can’t belief you did this again.”
“You’re so stupid. You could’ve had this done hours ago.”
“You never learn.”
All this beating myself up would continue well into the week. Then my next deadline would come due, and I’d find myself in the same position again. I used to wonder why I never seemed to learn. Why was I always putting things off to the last minute? Why was I always hiding myself from people who were supposed to be my friends? Why did I continue with these habits that actually hurt me?
We are taught that will power and discipline are the only ways to break self-destructive habits, but there is research that suggests otherwise. What if instead of beating yourself up and feeling shame about the habits that you don’t like, you were compassionate and understanding? What if you had the same compassion for yourself as you would with someone else?
Recent research shows that self-compassion can do far more than will power to help you overcome bad habits. A study done with chronic dieters on self-compassion showed that when told to be self-compassionate they ate less than dieters who were using only will power to control their eating.
The same was found in a study of chronic procrastinators. The study subjects who forgive themselves for procrastinating where less likely to procrastinate again while the ones that didn’t continued their pattern of chronic procrastination.
You can find out more about these studies and many others on Dr. Kristin Neff’s website.
One of the secrets to having a happier, less stressful, more productive life is being kind to yourself. How do you do that exactly though?
At the beginning of this post I talked about everything we do serving a purpose, well acknowledging that is a good way to encourage self-compassion. This is where the real soul searching happens. You must figure out what the positive intend is behind your negative actions.
Maybe you have a problem with overeating. Ask yourself what purpose this action is trying to serve. There are many possibilities and they will be different for different people. For this example let’s say that you overeat because you associate food with love and you want to feel loved.
Where in your body do your body does this need to feel love reside. Close your eyes and put your hand there. For the sake of this example let’s say it is your heart. Close your eyes and put your hand over your heart. You’ll leave your hand there throughout the rest of this exercise.
Once you know what need this negative habit is trying to fill thank it for trying to serve you. That’s right I’m telling you to thank yourself for doing something that you see as negative. It is important that you are kind to this part of yourself, especially if you want to end this negative habit.
Now ask yourself if you were loved and feeling at peace what feeling would be more important to you than the one your overeating was serving? There is no wrong answer. For the sake of this example, maybe you think it would be a deep connection with my family. Now close your eyes and feel what it might be like to have that deep connection with your family that you long for. Really feel it. Now thank that part of yourself for wanting to experience that feeling.
Once you do that you can ask yourself again for a higher intent. If you felt a deep connection with your family and where at peace what would be even more important than that? Again use the first thought that comes to mind. For example, you might think that you want to make the world a better place. Feel what that would be like and then thank yourself for having that desire.
You can take this exercise many layers deep and once you get to the point where you feel like you’ve discovered your highest intent drop back down the ladder of intentions bringing each feeling with you until you get back to your original problem.
For example, you would think about contributing to the world and then take that feeling with you as you drop down into the feeling that you had about having a deep connection with your family. Then take that feeling of connection and drop down into the feeling of love that you are trying to obtain by overeating. Feel all of those feeling combine, contribution, connection and love. Now move back up the ladder of intentions again to your highest intention quickly feeling each feeling. Then drop down the ladder of intentions quickly again feeling each emotion merge into the other.
Thank yourself for wanting these feelings.
The next time you want to overeat remember this exercise and your true intentions behind the behavior. Knowing your true intentions will make it easier not to do the behavior and will help you find more positive ways to feel these same emotions.